Information Systems:I.T. Hall of Fame

The wonderful world of Telus Episode 1 The Return Of The Dumb

Telus: Hi Norwin. As I mentioned in my earlier email from today, I’ve been working on this and should’ve communicated it better back to you.

English: I saw your first email on September 8 and I filed it away out of my email inbox because you aren't important enough for me to act on this today.

Telus: It seems that there's a misunderstanding with regards to what contract is in place for your phone lines

English: Telus doesn't have an efficient way of keeping track of its documents and staff training is lack luster so first tier people just throw the spaghetti at the wall and hope it sticks

Telus: Most of the info is TELUS jargons and might be confusing and misleading.

English: We make things as difficult as possible to maximise our profits because people don't want to sound stupid and ask for clarification on said jargon.

Telus: Rest assured that we’ll consider and backdate this cancellation to your original request date

English: I failed to do my job properly so I have to give you a discount in order to save face.

Telus: I believe the agent got mixed info as they typically don’t deal with contract related requests

English: Telus doesn't provide good enough training to front line people, nor do they have all the tools and data they need, nor do they get paid enough to recognise when they are passing bogus info to the customer.

Telus: We are aware that some of our processes are a bit challenging to navigate and sometimes take longer than we’d like. However, TELUS has been investing in process optimization and I’m confident we’ll have a more streamlined processed very soon

English: Telus makes this sort of thing as difficult as possible to make cancelling lines a process the customer avoids because of the hassle so that revenue is not lost. Telus is embarking on a marketing campaign to try and convince customers that service is improving and red tape is being decreasing but any real change is not going to happen because that would reduce revenue from products that customers don't want or need.

Telus: Once again, thank you very much for your patience and trust

English: I'm only a little bit sorry that I ignored your emails 3 weeks ago and I don't really plan on paying any additional attention to your future requests because I have bigger customers that are more profitable.

The wonderful world of Telus Episode 2 The Empire Strikes Stupider

Telus: Unfortunately, what you have outlined is not achievable

English: No I don't want you to stop giving me $400 per month because I like my quarterly revenue bonus

Telus: Adhering to our specification doesn't negate the maintenance fee

English: We know this is a bogus fee and we know that even if you use our standards we are still gonna want that $400 a month

Telus: We have created a more generic specifications for those vendors that didn't have a design concept, but the cost to implement is roughly around the $40,000 mark

English: We pay our outsourced developers minimum wage so the $40K goes into the Director level slush fund at Telus

Telus: By adhering to our specification, we can eliminate the need for you to develop/create usable file specifications/content that will work seamlessly with the pharmacy platform, potentially providing an opportunity to expand your market into a national pharmacy solution

English: I have no respect for your needs and I'm going to throw some random business buzzwords at you in a vain attempt to impress you because my own self esteem is all centered around having the same Mercedes C-Class as Darren Entwistle, so be a good little business bro and keep paying that extortion fee that we totally know is a cash grab...bro